Emotional Boundaries: What Survivors of Abuse Need to Know
- Melissa Z. White
- 13 hours ago
- 5 min read
Recently, I had a deeply emotional conversation with a close friend that I haven't stopped thinking about since. She received a message from her mother stating that her father had been diagnosed with late-stage cancer and may not have much time left. What may seem like a straightforward and tragic moment was, for her, a deeply complicated emotional storm.
You see, her parents were not nurturing caregivers. Instead, they were the source of years of emotional and mental abuse that left lasting scars on her psyche and nervous system. After years of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and denial of her reality, she made the agonizing, but courageous, decision to cut ties with them to preserve her own mental, emotional, and physical health. She didn’t stop loving them. She just chose to love them from a distance, where she could be safe and whole.
Now that her father is dying, others are urging her to “be there,” to set aside her pain and sacrifice her peace, and quite frankly, her health, in order to comfort the very person who deeply wounded her.
I share this because, sadly, this is not an uncommon story. In fact, it’s a far too familiar pattern in our culture: the expectation that the victim of abuse must take on the emotional labor of forgiveness, reconciliation, and care, even when the abuser has never acknowledged or attempted to repair the harm done. This pattern has a name: victim shaming, and it is toxic AF!
The Problem with Victim Shaming
Victim shaming is the often subtle (or sometimes blatant) societal pressure placed on survivors to:
“Forgive and forget”
Be the “bigger person”
Maintain family loyalty at all costs
Diminish their own experiences in favor of others' comfort
This toxic dynamic forces the victim into a corner. Not only are they expected to carry their unhealed wounds, but also the emotional needs of those who inflicted them. It's an unfair and exhausting burden.
Psychological research backs this up.
According to trauma expert Dr. Judith Herman, in her groundbreaking book Trauma and Recovery, the final stage of healing from complex trauma is not reconciliation with the abuser, but reconnection with the self. Healing comes from reclaiming one's sense of safety, autonomy, and identity, not from re-engaging with harmful relationships.
Similarly, Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term "betrayal trauma", explaining how trauma caused by those we depend on for love and safety (such as parents or romantic partners) often leads to internalized shame, self-doubt, and the compulsion to seek approval from abusers, even at our own expense.
This pattern often manifests in adulthood as difficulty with boundaries, people-pleasing, anxiety, and a chronic sense of responsibility for others' feelings. When others pressure a survivor to reconnect with their abusers through the guilt of it being the "right thing to do", they are perpetuating the trauma by suggesting that the survivor's peace is less important than the abuser's comfort.
It’s time to break this cycle, but how do we begin to do this?
Six Ways to Heal and Hold Healthy Emotional Boundaries
If you or someone you love is navigating the aftermath of abuse, especially in the context of family dynamics, here are six tips to support healing and empowerment:
1. Validate Your Experience. You do not need permission to honor your truth. What you went through matters. If it hurt you, it was real. Validation is the first step toward reclaiming your power.
2. Recognize That Boundaries Are a Form of Love. Emotional boundaries are not punishment. They are protection. They are how we show love to ourselves and how we can even love others—safely. You can love someone and still limit or eliminate contact if that’s what protects your peace and your health.
3. Stop Seeking Closure from the Person Who Hurt You. Waiting for an apology or acknowledgment may keep you tethered to pain. Closure is something you give yourself through healing, not something you wait for from someone else.
4. Build a Safe Support System. Surround yourself with people who see YOU and respect your boundaries. Healing is accelerated in safe, validating environments. support groups, Trauma-informed coaching and support groups can provide this container.
5. Develop a Self-Soothing Toolkit. When guilt, anxiety, or pressure arise, have a handful of go-to tools to ground and comfort yourself: breath work, meditation, journaling, affirmations, or movement. These remind your nervous system that you are safe now.
6. Choose Empowered Language and Identity. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim stuck in the past, speak to yourself as the empowered person you’re becoming. You are someone who survived, healed, and is now creating a new legacy on your terms.
As a Survivor of Abuse, You Deserve Peace, Not Permission
If you’ve walked away from a toxic relationship, whether with family, a partner, or anyone else, you do not owe anyone an explanation, especially not at the cost of your health or safety. Healing is your birthright. Creating your peace is your responsibility, and setting boundaries to do so is one of the most courageous acts of self-love there is.
If you’re ready to break free from old patterns, reclaim your power, and build a life aligned with your highest self, I’m here to walk with you.
As a certified holistic Health & Life Coach specializing in personal empowerment, trauma recovery, emotional mastery, healthy living, and conscious life design, I’ve helped countless individuals move from pain to purpose, from guilt to being firmly grounded, and from surviving to thriving!
Book a complimentary consultation call with me today, and let’s create the next chapter of your life—one where you are centered, whole, and free! You are not selfish for choosing you. You are sovereign, and that is worth protecting!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Melissa Z. White, CEO & Life Elevation Strategist
I wear many hats: proud military wife, mom to two incredible and energetic kids, former nomadic rock climber, autoimmune warrior, and open-heart surgery survivor. Each role and experience has shaped who I am today and deepened my understanding of resilience, growth, and personal transformation. (Learn more about my story here.)
With over a decade of professional experience in the personal development arena, I am a veteran coach—not just replicating trends, but redefining what’s possible for those who are ready to elevate their lives. My strategies go far beyond surface-level cheerleading or copy-cat techniques. I’ve developed a proven, psychology- and neuroscience-based methodology that helps high-achieving men and women unlock their personal power and transform every area of their lives—from identity, emotional IQ, and health to relationships, wealth, and overall lifestyle.
Clients come to me when they’re ready for real, lasting change—not just temporary fixes, but deep, sustainable transformation. Whether they’re feeling stuck, unfulfilled, or at a crossroads, I help them bridge the gap between where they are and where they truly want to be. The results? Clarity, confidence, and a life that feels aligned, empowered, and deeply satisfying.
If you, or someone in your circle, is ready to break through limitations and create a future they’re obsessed with, let’s connect. I’d love to explore how I can support you or the people you care about on their journey to success and fulfillment.
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